I need something stable in my life. I have nothing.
No real friends.
One passive parent.
Half of my family is dead.
And at this point I don’t know if I’ll be capable of fulfilling my dreams due to financial problems.

If I don’t have Physics as the foundation of my life, how will I ever be happy? If my energy is drained due to depression, how will I be able to push my self hard enough to get perfect grades and scholarships?

I need something to hold on to. I used to have the dream of being a Physicist to look forward to, to hold on to, to drive me forward. I now know of how naive I was.

How am I so posed to live if I can’t find anything to live for?

I can’t cover these thoughts up with marriage and children. I can’t cover them up with booze or being a part of clubs. I can’t cover these emotions with the empty idea of god and religion. I need to be close to the universe, scientifically, for any satisfaction in life. The Universe is the only thing that gives my life significance. 

So what the hell do I do? I’m too young for this bull shit. I have no control over my life. 

I finally get the balls to come out and confront you about how you bully me in my own household and of course, what did I expect? An apology? A conclusion? No, I expected what you gave me only in a lesser degree. 

I’m a piece of shit. I don’t clean my room and my aspirations to be a Astrophysicist isn’t good enough for you. I can’t poor a cup of coffee without spilling it. I’ve been wearing the same clothes for four years but apparently I spend money as if it grows on a tree. I’m a little bitch and I don’t know what bullying is, I deserve a beating. My dad should’ve convinced my mom to get an abortion as soon as they found out. “You should’ve just let her shoot up and take those damn shots of tequila!” I never socialize and I’m locked up in my room all day. I don’t take enough honors classes, my grades aren’t perfect enough, and I need to be involved in more activities. God, so much more than this. 

This is my grandma. I have no other choice to live with this because my dad doesn’t have any money and won’t get her to stop in fear of being homeless.

Now she’s threatening calling the investigators (Not sure of who exactly; the people involved in my custody when I was a child and courts that were accusing my mother of being unfit) that I was aware that she tried committing suicide and didn’t try to stop it. I was 10 and I’m not going to describe the events of that night but I sure as hell tried as hard as a 10 year old could. I guess she plans that this would put me in foster care or something. 

This isn’t a rare occurrence, either. The only thing different about this time is what set her off. 

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And this is where dependence on others really kicks my ass.

I need to be told I’m capable of accomplishing my dreams.
I need to be told I’m strong enough to endure this suffering for the rest of my life.
I need to be told that life is worth living regardless of its lack of meaning.
I need to be told that I am loved and needed. 

I am a human being and everyday I regret living through the next because of this. I am confined to this subjective and disabled mind I have. I have no friends. I have no god. And everyday I question whether or not I am capable of pursuing my passion. I am young and I am naive. I have no perseverance and I am incredibly lazy. Everything makes me sad. 

How do you just be happy? What do you do to become content? When does life have meaning? Most importantly, will this suffering last forever? When does it go away? 

In a way, it is comforting to know that I will always have suffering. Material objects and people come and go, but suffering will always be here when I come home after a long day. 

everything is so surreal 
nonsense with faded edges

hallucinations are becoming second nature to me
and the funnest part is that they’re all made up in my head

I can do whatever I want with reality.  

general sadness.

• incense
• vanilla spice tea
• the love of my youth
• new music
• overcast

lovely day indeed 

avoiding obstacles is the only way I can get myself to deal with them. 

right now
all I can bring myself to do is

ignore
ignore
avoid
ignore
continue on
avoid
ignore

rinse / repeat  

the only thing left to keep me alive is the mere fact that I am living

the only thing standing between the three guns in this house and I is the idea of living a life. period. 

 what’s so special about this idea that it keeps me from escaping from reality permanently?  

I am too afraid to live but I am also too afraid to die.  
 
for now, I will sleep and live like a drone until a better day comes.  

So happy and content with my life, with myself, with my future, that I swear at any moment I could die. My thoughts are so pure and optimistic. This is so surreal. It’s lasting too long. It can’t keep up this any longer, why haven’t I lost myself yet?

Maybe I’ll go on a walk. Today’s such a beautiful day. 

Last night was so wonderful. So lovely. Life has never been this good.  

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